please

i try to calm myself down but he is not here,
it is impossible so i give up i scare myself
i am consumed by my own velocity, i
wish i could take flight.
heaven is made of airplanes waiting to crash,
i repeat words and phrases in my head to fight off
all the others but they come tumbling down anyway,
i took out and dismantled one brick, a rookie mistake
the whole house is out to get me now.
i feel like a slave. i've become poetry's bitch, every
line i've ever written is out to get me now.
they're holding me down by the throat.
i turn skylight blue and they scream at me,
"breathe! breathe! breathe!"
their spittle forms films over my eyes, they want me
to go blind. "see things without your eyes," they whisper
"go places without your legs." i can hear
my bones clatter on the cobblestone path as i
walk with my mewling femurs and
i feel the passerby's stare. an old lover.
i never thought i was wrong in my devotion to verse,
but the terror i feel tells me otherwise.
my mouth brimming with tears, i turn around and ask
"where did i
go wrong?"